Pure Ridiculousness
by ChocolateVodka
Summary: Just some cracky oneshots I've thrown together. Mostly starring Sesshoumaru and Kagome. Be afraid...
1. Taste the Rainbow

_Disclaimer- I dont own Inuyasha or any of the ensuing awesomeness. I wish I did...mmm the things I would do._

_Anywho, this story makes absolutely no sense. It's actually been bugging me for a while to just do a bunch of one shots since I fail miserably at chapter stories. This is just the first of many._

**Taste the Rainbow**

A deafening roar resounded like a crack of thunder through the forest as the Inutachi prepared to bed down for the night…followed by a keening wail of despair. The strange ragtag group had never heard a sound so forlorn and full of anguish. So much so that Inuyasha's ears flattened upon his skull, and he also let out a pathetic whine.

Climbing unsteadily out of her sleeping bag, Kagome cautiously made her way over to hanyou who sat visibly shaking on a low hanging branch of a tree.

"Inu-Inuyasha", she said in a quivering voice, "What made that noise? It sounded like a mourning dog"

Inuyasha looked down at her with a solemn expression on her face and nodded, "That's because it is. Something's happened at my bastard half-brother's camp"

Kagome's heart leapt into her throat at the thought of what could cause the great and terrible Lord of the West to make such a noise.

Then her eyes widened in realization, "Oh no…could it be Rin? Inuyasha we have to go to him!"

"Are you crazy or just plain stupid?" He jumped from the tree to land directly in front of her. Golden eyes glaring down into resolute blues, "After hearing that overgrown mutt bellowing over there you want to run head first to help him?"

"YES!" Kagome yelled, arms flailing about, "If something has happened to Rin I might be able to help. Can you put your hatred for Sesshoumaru aside for aside for two damn minutes? I'd never forgive myself if something happened to that little girl and I did nothing ."

Inuyasha, realizing that arguing any further with the girl was futile (also fully aware that she'd probably just SIT him and go off anyway), dumped her on his back like a sack of potatoes and sprinted off towards what he was certain they would both come to regret,..if they survived that is.

You see…contrary to popular belief, our beloved hanyou was well aware that Sesshoumaru could (and probably would eventually) kill him at any given opportunity.

Ah, but I digress…

A certain human shaped sack of potatoes with severely untrained miko abilities was particularly miffed about being slung around like a…well a fleshy bag of spuds. However, knowing that she won the argument and was now on her way to the source of the disturbance kept her grumbling to herself. Of course, the second Inuyasha put her down a safe distance away…BAM! Faceplant! Bwahah-

A child's squeal was heard a short distance ahead of them.

Inuyasha, surging forward from hearing the child's cry burst through the clearing with Kagome in tow….err back. Whatever.

…

…

…and gaped in abject horror.

Rin wasn't screaming in terror. Rather…complete delight.

Sesshoumaru however, was very much in distress. He was standing in the middle of a clearing staring incredulously at his hand. A look of complete and utter terror plastered over his handsome albeit normally stoic countenance. That was pretty much Inuyasha's first clue that something was horribly wrong.

"Hey asshole! What the hell is wrong with you?"

Kagome, having been unceremoniously dropped on her butt during the exchange, glared at the bewildered hanyou. "Real smooth Inu", she hissed, "Antagonize him further. Since you know..that's always worked for you in the past!"

Sesshoumaru, not bothering to acknowledge the halfbreed, suddenly grabbed Kagome by the neck…

…and she burst into a colorful array of candy.

This time, instead of the howl of outrage that usually followed, Sesshoumaru 'Hn'd' and picked up a few of the red candy pieces that used to be the futuristic miko. He popped them in his mouth and chewed.

"Hn…this Sesshoumaru can taste the rainbow"

Inuyasha promptly passed out.


	2. Bad bad dog

**Disclaimer- I own nothing of any sort that has to do with Inuyasha or any of their characters whatsoever. I know…I cry about it all the time.**

This is…absolutely stupid. Trust me when I say that. I'm sorry for subjecting you to it, but I figured it belonged in the ridiculous compilation of one shots filled with cracky goodness…or badness. You be the judge. I honestly can't tell. This could in fact really suck.

Oh! By the way, the song is MSI (Mindless Self Indulgence) "Bitches"

**Bad bad dog**

Lounging on a plush couch in her's and Sesshoumaru's lavish penthouse apartment, Kagome began to reflect upon her life thus far…even while her left leg shook uncontrollably.

_**bitches love me cause they know that I can rock**_

She sighed, but supposed she should be grateful to have found such a wonderful youkai to spend the rest of eternity with.

_**bitches love me cause they know that I can rhyme**_

"Well", she mused, "To be more specific, an INU youkai" At that admission her leg increased it's vibration.

_**bitches love me cause they know that I can fuck**_

Of course as an Inu he was very loyal and protective…errrr borderline possessive. She could admit to herself that he certainly watched over her with a single minded intensity.

_**bitches love me cause they know that I'm on time**_

And while he was attentive to her every need and she wanted for nothing, there were certain…canine tendencies of his that were hard to ignore. He always turned into a puddle of goo whenever she scratched him behind his ear. He was incredibly allergic to chocolate (Kagome winced at that ill timed thought. That was the last time she EVER baked him a chocolate cake for his birthday).

Although, those doggy traits were endearing and somewhat life threatening others she could certainly do without.

_**Throughout the projects**_

Just then her leg jumped a couple times and rattled her teeth a bit, then resumed it's rapid vibration. At which point her eyebrow seemed to tick simultaneously. And although she momentarily lost her though process, she immediately got back on track considering the circumstances.

_**Throughout the projects**_

"Ah yes…Sesshoumaru's less than lovable tendencies", she said aloud as the beginnings of a migraine was setting in._**Done.**_

Such as chewing the crotches out of her underwear. She always found the remains shoved under the bed, and whenever she confronted him about it, he simply exclaimed "Hn" and walked away without so much as a backwards glance.

Though she knew without a doubt that he was smirking at her. Did he have any idea how expensive it was to buy new underwear every week? And damned embarrassing at that.

That's not even the worst of it.

_**Done**__._

He always seemed to know whenever she was bending over to pick something up since his nose seemed to be right up her butt crack whenever she did so. "I swear he drops random crap on the floor for that reason. Damn dog." She grumbled. *twitch twitch* her leg seemed to do in response.

_**This is how it should be done**_

Increasingly frustrated with her train of thought and the "seemingly" involuntary shaking of her leg, Kagome decided that she's had enough lounging on the couch and wanted a nice cup of tea to calm her nerves.

_*twitch twitch*_

_**this is how it should be done**_

However, as she tried to move her rogue leg she realized in dismay that, aside from the "phantom twitch" she couldn't move her leg.

_*twitch*_

Looking down at the source of her immobility, Kagome let out an exasperated sigh. Remembering that this was also one of her mate's "puppy problems".

She put her hands on her hips and ground out, "Are you done yet? I want some tea"_**This style**_

Grunting from the vicinity of her leg, Sesshoumaru forced out through clenched teeth, "Just a few more seconds. I'm almost there"

And just like that, the *twitch twitch* became a *hump hump*

Kagome sighed.

There were just some things as a human miko that she just couldn't understand…aside from the leg cramp.

_**Style**_

_*hump hump*_

However…

_**Style**_

_*hump hump hump*_

There was one thing she did know…

_**Done**_

_*hump hump hump hump*_

Suddenly her eye tick became full blown irritation as he neared his climax.

_*HUMP HUMP HUMP HUMP HUMP HUMP HUMP!*_

_*GRUNT* _

_**Pow!**_

And as he lay in a boneless heap on the living room floor, Kagome wished more than ANYTHING that she had a rolled up newspaper._**Muthafucka...**_

"Bad bad dog…"


	3. Whaaat?

Disclaimer-yadda yadda I dont own anything pertaining to Inuyasha. Please dont sue blah blah blah.

_**Sooooooo this is again...incredibly dumb. I'm not really sure how much more I'm gonna do since it seems like no one's that into my stupidity. Ah well. Here's the next installment.**_

**Whaaaat?**

Inuyasha looked at Kagome with a sad sort of acceptance as she stood in front of the well for a final time. He'd come to deeply regret the times he'd turned a blind eye and ran off to be with Kikyo. Fortunately, she'd found love in another.

Unfortunately, it just so happened to be Sesshoumaru.

It had been so subtle, he mused. And also very suspicious. It seemed to him that his full blooded sibling had planned to steal her away all along. Sesshoumaru just so HAPPENED to join the group the day Inuyasha had chosen Kikyo for a mate. Not so much out of love, but obligation. He still felt responsible for her death, and no matter how much he'd come to realize that it wasn't his fault, he still felt responsible for her reanimated corpse.

Thus he broke Kagome's heart...annnnd ran her straight into the arms of his brother (who was quite eager to scoop her up...the smug bastard).

But as he looked at her wrapped in Sesshoumaru's arm, he couldn't help but feel somewhat okay with it. Hell...if she's happy then he wouldn't ruin it. Even if it made his skin crawl.

_So this just leaves this subjugation necklace. It's my only physical tie to her anymore._

Truth be told, it had actually grown on him these past few years. But damn it...he wanted

it off!

So with that thought in mind, Inuyasha made his way towards a tearful but smiling Kagome, clinging to Sesshoumaru's side as she said farewell to her friends.

"Oi Kagome. Stop blubberin' for a sec so I can talk to ya"

Huffing a bit, but glad for the distraction from such melancholy thoughts, Kagome ran over to the hanyou and threw her arms around him...much to Sesshoumaru's chagrin.

"Hn" he glared

"Make it quick halfbreed. Your idiocy is contagious and the miko need not contract such a vile ailment"

"Oh Sesshou hush! Just let me have this!" Kagome tearfully glared at the youkai.

Kami..couldn't those two be civil for one minute?

"Keh...asshole" After a few minutes of awkward hugging and back patting, he put her at arms length and fingered the necklace, giving her an inquiring look.

Kagome's eyes widened...and took on a strangely guilty expression.

"Oh right! ehehehehehe!" Kagome grasped the necklace...

Raised it to her lips...

and took a bite!

"mmmmm good" *munch munch munch*

Inuyasha just stared incredulously as she savored the bite.

"WHHHHHHHHAAAAAAT! WHY THE FUCK DIDN'T YOU SAY ANYTHING? YOU MEAN I COULD'VE TAKEN THIS OFF ANY TIME! JUST BY EATING IT? WTF KAGOME!"

Inuyasha was about as red as his haori, huffing and puffing as he was.

Kagome sweatdropped "Uh...did I forget to mention that it's made out of chocolate?"

There was a suspicious snrrrk in the general direction of a certain Daiyoukai.


	4. Fruity

_This by far has got to be the dumbest one yet, But I had to write it! It was actually inspired by a pic I saw on Dokuga and thought was hilarious._

_**Disclaimer: I own nothing…*sigh* lucky for them **__**J**_

_**Fruity**_

Sesshoumaru's eye twitched as he stared down at Kagome in a most… unprecedented situation.

"What…have you done?" He emphasized each word with a hand twitch to compliment his eye. Kagome eeped and turned to face him guiltily. However, she didn't back down and, much to his consternation, there was no stench of fear wafting from her. If he didn't know any better he'd say she was slightly pleased with herself in an evil sort of way.

Kagome and evil didn't really mix well…but when they did the results were…

Disturbing.

As Sesshoumaru stared at the object in her hand, he came to the conclusion that this was no exception. For his once pristine moko moko-sama was now….

Kagome stared straight into his eyes, and with a triumphant gleam proclaimed, "I've replaced your moko moko with fruit by the foot"

_Yeah…_ _issues. Anyway, to the person who drew that pic, thanks for the inspiration! Although my little crack fic pales in comparison_


End file.
